Sunday afternoon...

It's rare for me to have a Sunday afternoon to myself. There's always something going on after church (especially during Football season) or always someone around. So I'm enjoying this nice moment, soaking in the sound of the fountain outside in the courtyard of my apartment building, and feeling my heart palpitate rapidly from the strong cup of coffee I am drinking.. :) I know I need to start in on my packing progress in a little while but for now I just rest~ and it feels good!!

Over the years I've come to realize more and more that I love( and need) time all by self. I enjoy being around people, but if I don't get enough to myself it starts to affect me negatively. I feel so much more rested and can think clearer when I do. So... I know it's going to be challenging these next 6 months. Next weekend I will be moving into my sister's place a few miles away in order to save money. She has three kids, all 8 years old right now (haha) and I will be sharing my niece's room with her. They are great kids but like most are loud and require a lot of attention. It will be harder for me to find places to escape to have that alone time, so I'm sure I'll have to be more creative and spend more time outdoors. I'm hoping it will inspire me to take frequent walks or hikes and to find beautiful nature-filled spots. This will be an interesting new adventure.. but I'm excited to be closer to my family for this time and to see what God brings out of this. I will miss my room and my awesome apartment that I have loved living at for almost a year and a half. But change must come and with it new trials and new blessings..

Ok, back to packing. Sigh...

Captivating

I started re-reading the book Captivating a week or so ago. I read the book a few years ago but I definitely think it is a good one to read every so often during the different stages of your life. I’m learning new things about myself. This book helps me see where the root of some of my issues are and is also helping me embrace my role in life as a woman and the desires that come along with it. For some reason it hasn’t been easy for me to be okay with being that “little girl twirling her dress, asking to be delighted in and told that she is beautiful.” It’s always been simpler to accept the independent tomboy side of me that is outdoorsy and a little crude and easily hangs with the guys. I can definitely see how my parents influenced these areas. My dad was a great man.. he just wasn’t great at giving affection or communicating love vocally. So I related to him on his level. I felt close to him and was able to spend time with him doing the things he was interested in.. which were the outdoors and fishing/hunting. I felt the most accepted by him by being like him. And the womanly example I had in my mom growing up was most often an emotional mess that was not stable and created a lot of drama. Of course my mom has a lot of good qualities that I think I have taken on.. but I certainly shied away from the outwardly emotional or needy tendencies she has.

I think one thing I am really taking away from the book right now is the fact that since women were created in God’s image.. that desire to be pursued and delighted in is a characteristic that comes straight from Him. And that helps me in many ways. It shows me how it is more than okay to have the desires that I do, and also how important it is to feed God’s own “womanly” desires and even romance him. That is just one thing I am soaking in from this book.. I highly recommend reading it or re-reading it. =)

One of those days...

Today I thought I would share my hectic, embarassing- but comical morning...

After over a month of contact lens issues and multiple appointments with the eye doctor. I thought I was finally in the clear after I picked up my new lenses yesterday. But this morning as I was putting in my contacts I noticed that the left eye was the same prescription as the right eye.. which is not strong enough. I put it in anyway and am sucking it up until I can get back to the eye doctor, for the 3rd time. I can see, it's just not as clear in the left eye.

Fast forward to Starbucks.. today is pay day so I decide to treat myself with my first Pumpkin Spice Latte of the season. Yay! At the counter I realize I don't have my wallet so I tell the girl I need to run to my car for it. I don't see it on my front seat where I thought it should be and have to go back inside to tell the girl I have to run home for it. Doh! I would have just left but they had already started making the drink. I drive home (luckily only a few blocks away) and discover my wallet is not in my apartment. Argh! So I go back down to the garage and look in my car again. It had slipped in the crack between the seat and door. Oh joy, I just wasted ten minutes and I was already late to work. Back to Starbucks I get my drink and ignore the snotty look on the barista's face. Then I realize I really should get some gas in my car..

At the pump it doesn't take my card and tells me to go inside to the cashier. Grr. Inside I run my card through and the guys says it's not reading it or something and asks for my i.d. I have to go back to my car to get it and again it doesn't read it. He says the connection with the bank is offline or something but tries once more. Success! He said it's my lucky day. Ha ha Mister. If you only knew.. So I get into my car.. and drive off! Lol. Thankfully I glanced down at my gas gauge and realized I DIDN'T PUMP MY GAS! So I whip around and luckily make it back to my pump before anyone else gets there; all the while red in the face and avoiding the gaze of the man that had been behind me witnessing the whole thing. :) Back inside my car, gas finally pumped, I start my drive to work and my CD player switches CDs to the next which happens to be a random mixed set a friend made and the first song is a funny one about a guy who had "one of those days.." The grossest line being, "I got food poisoning, from a burger I found a band-aid on.." And so I started feeling better about my day. Heehee..

Next I'm walking to my building at work and I see the gate that is usually open is closed and locked. I struggle with it, hands full, while a bunch of children that aren't usually there look at me. Flustered, I give up and take the long way down some stairs. Inside a co-worker wonders why I came in that way and I tell her about the gate. I am informed you just need to reach over the gate and open it that way. Awesome. But at least she feels sorry for me and insists I take some candy.

Minutes later I'm at my desk, ready to work and go to pull out my earbuds for listening to music, and remember that they broke yesterday. :( Oh well, at least I didn't find out that my dog was gay...

Luckily all of these little mishaps did not put me in a bad mood and I am able to see there are much worse things in life and embarassing moments happens. Thankfully I am able to laugh at myself. =D

Randomness

It has been over a year since I have posted a blog. I am horrible at sharing my thoughts most of the time. I told my best friend Kate I would do one though so this one is for you babe. :) I hope it is as therapeutic as you said..

Instead of writing in paragraphs I'm just going to write random thoughts down...

-I wish I could write as beautifully and deep as a lot of my friends
-Right now I want to punch a boy in the face
-I'm hoping to finish this in time to go swimming tonight. I really need to float under the night sky.
-I didn't eat enough today. My appetite is screwy lately.
-I love having time to myself tonight but at the same time I could really use a good cuddle.
-I wish I could have a do-over for my birthday. I really don't want to remember it as is.
-I just had a daydream that I was dancing in a field of beautiful, fragrant flowers...
-I pray I get a good night sleep tonight and don't wake up in the wee hours with a racing heart.
-I really need a vacation. Good thing I'm going on one next week!! Thank you Kate & Wes!!!
-I really want to tell a boy I think he's a big terd-face! (and I'm supposed to be the mature one?)
-I want to be serenaded right now. ben harper on my iTunes will have to do for now.
-Oops, I just tore a layer of nail off. And now I am massacring it.
-I really need to drink more water but I'm afraid I'll have to pee at 6am like usual.
-I should tap tonight.
-I thought I heard my text tone on my phone but it was in a song I'm listening to. I strongly dislike the disappointment I felt when I realized..
-I need to fix my thoughts on better things.
-It's amazing how many more body aches you get as you grow older.
-I need to shake this melancholy feeling. I'm gonna go swimming now.

*This was a decent start. I shall try to blog again very soon...

update

I guess it’s been a little while. Things have improved since my last blog. God is good! I am grateful for all the people that have been praying for me and my mom. She has been out of the hospital for over a month now and is doing very well. It was a bit of a process but she is finally on her way up. Dealing with someone who has bipolar is quite the roller coaster I must say. But God has always been so faithful. I’m so thankful that this time around was a lot easier and didn't last as long as other times. Also I am leaving next week for a 3 week trip in Australia. I cannot fully express how much I am excited and blessed by this vacation. And knowing that my mom is able to take care of herself again and feeling happy just makes it so much sweeter. I think I will actually be able to fully relax. Whew!

I feel bombarded by so much stimulation (as I'm sure many do, especially in L.A.) so I'm really looking forward to some time to rest my mind. Three weeks free from L.A. traffic, obnoxious billboards, being stuck at my desk sitting on my big butt all day staring at the computer typing typing typing (yes I know there is a greater purpose to my job than just that =D), the list could go on. For those people that don't get a break from those kind of things (and worse) I pray that you too will be able to get away for some R&R and de-fragging.

Peace!

happy freakin' new year. ;)

What to say? What to say? My head hurts a lot lately, too much on my mind. My friend Dan thinks my brain is just too big for my skull. Yah, that must be it.

My mom is in the hospital right now. Depression stuff again. I'm just so tired. Emotionally,spiritually, and now resulting in physically. I just wish I could not let this situation affect other stuff. I find myself getting angry at the smallest things. I just can't seem to function as well as I should. There's just not enough time to explain all that's in my head and I don't think I even understand it all yet. I wish I could get away but its not possible right now. I'm so thankful for my friends being there to make me laugh (or at least attempt to sometimes) and listen to my ramblings and just being patient when I "check out" once in a while.

I know this situation will get better, and maybe even in a more permanent way this time.My hope is that some real solid, genuine life-changing results will come out of this for my whole family. Ha, there's a commercial about depression that says, "Who does depression hurt? Everyone." Yes it's worst for the individual going through it but oh the depths it reaches in the families... I'm starting to realize I probably need to find a professional support group for this type of thing. If you know of anything in my area hit me up.


In conclusion... I don't know. :)

animal planet

So much for blogging regularly- it's been a month. I realize that I view this a bit as a really pretty journal that you don't write in very much unless you have time to write all nice and neat and have wonderful things to put in it. You don't want to just write anything or thoughts that aren't so flattering right? So that is my dilemma. I know I need to get over it. Sometimes our thoughts are ugly- but does that make them any less worthwhile? Probably not. So here are my thoughts...

I've been in a bit of a bad mood today. It has gotten better over the hours though. There was only one incident that happened today where my gloominess reached out and touched someone. A lady at work gave me some unnecessary attitude earlier and in my mind I pictured attacking her like a fierce lioness in the wilds of Africa. I didn't do that. But I did give some needed attitude back and it felt pretty good. I get tired of being patient with repeat offenders sometimes. Is that so bad? Do I turn the other cheek in silence or can I speak my mind while turning my cheek? I'm not really referring to just that incident. I'm just working on balance and boundaries right now. How far do you go to not hurt someones feelings by pointing out their faults while their actions or words are hurting you? Even when they have good intentions... I have had bad experiences with the whole 'speaking the truth in love' thing. I have been bitten hard and I still let it hold me back to this day. But in order to have the truly beautiful, fulfilling relationships that the Lord calls us to have I must press on and get back on the bike. I may fall many times over but hopefully the ride will get easier. Sigh.

I'm sure there's more but I'll end here...